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Topic: The *New* Joke Thread (Read 20337 times)
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DragonLady
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The Gweat and Tewwible Winged One
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Doggy Dictionary
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your
person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the
guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: A liquid which, when combined with sad eyes, forces humans to
give you their food. To do this properly you must sit as close as you
can and get the drool on the human.
SNIFF: A social custom used to greet other dogs, similar to the human
exchange of business cards.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to
test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push
the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with
margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of
bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control
body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush
and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The person
then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants
them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at
the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans
remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn
them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your
eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old
candy wrappers. It is important to evenly distribute its contents
throughout the house before your person comes home.
BATH : If you find something especially good to roll in, humans get
jealous, and they use this degrading form of torture to get even. Be
sure to shake only when next to a person or a piece of furniture.
LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!," especially if
your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before
black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking
a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular bump
doesn't get the attention you require ... especially effective when
combined with the sniff. See above.
CHILDREN: Short humans of optimal petting height. Standing close to one
assures some good petting. When running, they are good to chase. If they
fall down, they are comfortable to sit on.
LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If
you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
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Giv us dis day our dalee cheezburger. And furgiv us for makin yu a cookie, but eateding it. And we furgiv wen cats steel our cookiez. An do not let us leed into teh showa, but deliver us from teh wawter. Ceiling Cat pwns all. He pwns teh ceiling and teh floor and walls too. Forevur and evuhr. Amen.
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DragonLady
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One for DB
« Reply #138 on: January 30, 2009, 11:12:55 PM » |
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When a tourist information officer has had quite enough:
Everything You've Ever Wanted To Know About Canada, eh!
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street?
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks?
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver.
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax?
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada?
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada?
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is… oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada?
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada?
A: You are an American politician, right?
Q: Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population?
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada?
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense rattlesnake serum.
A: All Canadian rattlesnakes are perfectly harmless, and can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns.
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help?
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go?
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
Q: How do you pronounce Canada?
A: C-eh-N-eh-D-eh
Q: What's that machine that farmers harvest wheat with in Canada?
A: Concubines
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Giv us dis day our dalee cheezburger. And furgiv us for makin yu a cookie, but eateding it. And we furgiv wen cats steel our cookiez. An do not let us leed into teh showa, but deliver us from teh wawter. Ceiling Cat pwns all. He pwns teh ceiling and teh floor and walls too. Forevur and evuhr. Amen.
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DragonLady
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Test for dementia. Don't cheat!
IT IS TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL TEST
Test for Dementia
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly.
You can't take your time - answer all of them immediately.
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question:Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add40 to it. Now add another 1000 .
Now add 30.
Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10 . What is the total?
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
Maybe.
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Did you AnswerNunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary!Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfullyexpresses himself to the shopkeeper
and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses;
how does HE indicate what he wants?
He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!
KEEP THIS is TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE
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Giv us dis day our dalee cheezburger. And furgiv us for makin yu a cookie, but eateding it. And we furgiv wen cats steel our cookiez. An do not let us leed into teh showa, but deliver us from teh wawter. Ceiling Cat pwns all. He pwns teh ceiling and teh floor and walls too. Forevur and evuhr. Amen.
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DragonLady
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Politics Explained:
Feudalism
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Pure Socialism
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you all the milk you need.
Bureaucratic Socialism
Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
Fascism
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
Pure Communism
You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
Real World Communism
You share two cows with your neighbours. You and your neighbours bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
Russian Communism
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
Perestroika
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market.
Cambodian Communism
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Militarianism
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
Totalitarianism
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Pure Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
Representative Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
British Democracy
You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
Bureaucracy
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Pure Anarchy
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours try to take the cows and kill you.
Pure Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Capitalism
You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
Environmentalism
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
Political Correctness
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
Surrealism
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
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Giv us dis day our dalee cheezburger. And furgiv us for makin yu a cookie, but eateding it. And we furgiv wen cats steel our cookiez. An do not let us leed into teh showa, but deliver us from teh wawter. Ceiling Cat pwns all. He pwns teh ceiling and teh floor and walls too. Forevur and evuhr. Amen.
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DragonLady
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Guts or Balls? There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar , slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
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Giv us dis day our dalee cheezburger. And furgiv us for makin yu a cookie, but eateding it. And we furgiv wen cats steel our cookiez. An do not let us leed into teh showa, but deliver us from teh wawter. Ceiling Cat pwns all. He pwns teh ceiling and teh floor and walls too. Forevur and evuhr. Amen.
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